I catch myself thinking this morning, that I don't think I've ever truly been a boy.
Sure I've been childish, I play games and with toys when I was younger. I also did the family finances and led church discussions before I was 12 years old.
I never learned to ride a bicycle. While I can tread water, never truly learned to swim. There are a lot of things as I look at my friends and their children that I find myself wishing I could do it over.
Instead, I'm an older guy. The grey in my beard is testimony to that. Single, never been married. I have no children (which may be a good thing) but I find myself in this constant holding pattern.
The holding pattern is how I've dealt with my life. The missed opportunities, because I had to be this idea of an adult. Mind you, it's just an idea of being an adult because I don't think I really know what it means to be a grownup. I just take the images of what the adults around me show and emulate them as best I can. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
I find myself somewhat sad because I don't know what I'm missing but more importantly I fear that I can't see the simple beauty around me because I'm too busy asking "what if".
